It’s scary just how quickly I lost ALL of my motivation these past few weeks. Everything that I was so gung-ho about a few weeks ago – the blog, the diet, the photography – I no longer have any interest in. I’m even smoking again. Writing this blog post is a struggle, but I’m forcing myself to do it. I need to snap out of it.
My current rut was caused by a series of unfortunate events that began on April 1. First I got a computer virus. A computer virus is never good, but in the case the timing was particularly awful, because I had plans to go away for the weekend and I had A LOT to do for work in the two days before I left.
It was soooo annoying. My computer would work for about 20 minutes, then all the icons on my desktop would disappear and it would go black, and then the computer would freeze. I’d restart it and it would work fine, and then boom, 20 minutes later it would happen again. I didn’t even have time to try to figure out what the problem was. Instead, I spent the next two days working in 20 minutes spurts. I must have restarted the computer 50 times. But I got everything done.
When I woke up on Friday morning I had a cold. Or allergies. Or both, I don’t even know. Allergies are pretty new to me. I only started having them like two years ago. I didn’t even know what they were at first. One day I was complaining to my friend Di that this weird “sneezing cold” had been going on for three months, and she looked at me like I was an idiot and told me it was allergies.
Anyway, regardless of whether it was a cold or allergies, it was time to hit the road. We were going to a cabin in Mississippi with another couple. I already knew that I would be off my diet and smoking for the weekend, and I was okay with that (Haha I wasn’t just okay with it – I was excited about it).
The cabin was great. I’ll try to post about more about it some other time. It was beautiful and peaceful. But if I thought my allergies were bad in New Orleans compared to NY, holy crap, in Mississippi they were on some next level shit. It was crazy. As soon as we stepped in the cabin my allergies ramped up, and unfortunately it was like that the whole weekend. So even though I was happy to be away and managed to have some fun, I was still kinda miserable.
When we came back from Mississippi, my allergies were still terrible, I had to figure out what was wrong with my computer, I needed to get things together to file my taxes (always a stressful event for me), and then I got my period. Ughhhh. I was in a “fuck the world” mindset those few days. Fuck the diet. Fuck the gym. Give me a cigarette. I just felt really drained.
By the end of the week, things were looking up. My allergies had subsided, the computer issue was resolved (someone from my company’s IT department helped me out), my accountant filed an extension for me, and my period, well, that’s only bad on the first day. But by then the damage was done, because even though I was feeling better, I had lost all of my motivation as far as “being healthy” went. I just didn’t care. “I’m on a downward spiral,” I told Dave. I didn’t know how to snap out of it.
Today, things are a bit better. I’ve been trying to write this post for several days, so I’m a bit more motivated than I was when I wrote the first paragraph. Actually, that’s not true. I’m not more motivated, but I’m forcing myself to do things I don’t want to do in the hopes that soon I’ll actually want to do them again. I went to the gym every day, I only smoked on Tuesday night when we went out for drinks (that doesn’t count, okay?), and I haven’t cheated too bad on my diet (tortilla chips and way too many peanuts have proven to be my downfall this week). I’ve been taking this online photography class, which has forced me to take a buttload of pictures, and now I’m starting to have fun with it again.
My next priority is getting my diet back on track. I was down 8 pounds before I left for vacation, and now I’m only down 5. But I’m not stressed about it. On Monday I’ll start my diet up again full force (because diets always start on Monday). No big deal. Diet on a Monday – story of my life.
So yeah, that’s where things are at.