Week 34: The two sweetest things my husband has said to me during this pregnancy


My husband has been an absolute rockstar in terms of supporting me throughout this pregnancy. He cooks and cleans all the time, gives me massages whenever I ask, and helps me get dressed and undressed when I’m struggling (which is quite often ever since I pulled this stupid groin muscle last month). He doesn’t get annoyed when I ask him to get me a drink, or my nail file, or my phone charger, or whatever it is I forgot to get before I sat down (getting up and down from my seat/bed is a particular struggle so I try to avoid it when possible). He even helps me tie my shoes! (The other day we were at a Mardi Gras parade and my shoelace was untied, and I didn’t even have to ask! He just dropped down in the middle of the street to tie it.)

I can tell Dave about anything – like how painful my hemorrhoid is or how sometimes I pee a little when I sneeze (isn’t pregnancy wonderful?!), and he is never grossed out or turned off. Ever. I have no fear of any of the embarrassing things that can happen while I’m delivering this baby, such as pooping or huge blood clots falling out of my vagina, because I know they won’t change the way he looks at me. (…Okay, I AM afraid of it happening, because it’s gross! But still, I know it won’t matter to him.)

He also constantly tells me I’m beautiful – which is important considering most days I feel like a big fat cow. And he still seems to find me sexy! I keep reading about these husbands who won’t have sex with their wives while they’re pregnant because “it’s gross” or they don’t want to “poke the baby,” and I feel so bad for these women! Thank God Dave doesn’t feel that way, because my libido hasn’t decreased at all since becoming pregnant. It’s nice to feel like I’m a sexy woman, and not just an incubator for his baby.

With all that said, there are two things that Dave has said to me during this pregnancy that have left an indelible mark on my memory.

1.   “Why don’t you go take a nap and I’ll make you cookies.”

This happened several months ago, but I’ll never forget it, because at the time I was like “Omg, that was the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me!” Earlier that day I had mentioned making cookies. Fast forward a few hours and I was sitting on our recliner falling asleep when he made the above statement. You mean I get to sleep and when I wake up there will be cookies? Um, yes please!

2.   “We don’t have to go to the parade tomorrow if you don’t want to…since you’re about to poop out a baby and all.”

This just happened this past weekend, and it’s actually what sparked this whole blog post. We had been planning to go to Mardi Gras parades on Friday evening and Saturday day, but by the time Friday rolled around, I was tired and my legs/groin were hurting and I didn’t want to go. I told him and he was cool with it, because the Saturday parade, Endymion, was the more important of the two, and as far as he knew, I was still down with that.

But the truth was, I was dreading it! The parade didn’t start until 4:15 pm, but he wanted to get there by 11 am! That’s five hours early! Add that to the two hours minimum that we’d be watching the parade go by, and you’re talking about at least seven hours of standing or sitting in an uncomfortable folding chair. And let’s not forget the bathroom situation – it’s hard enough to maneuver in a port-a-potty when you’re not pregnant…I didn’t even want to think about how difficult it would be in there with this big belly.

None of this was a problem when we did it last year, but hello, I wasn’t nearly 8 months pregnant then! But I felt too guilty to tell him that I didn’t want to go. He loves the parades, and at that point we had only been to one this year. The thought of making him miss this parade, one of his favorites, was too much for me. So I figured I’d suck it up and go, and suffer the consequences on Sunday. (And there WOULD be consequences – I could barely walk the day after the parade we went to two weekends ago, and we were only at that one for a few hours.)

So you can imagine how relieved I was on Friday evening when he said that we didn’t have to go on Saturday!! That night when we were in bed, I turned to him and said, “You know, I didn’t think it was possible, but when you said we don’t have to go to Endymion tomorrow, I fell more in love with you than ever before.” I was teasing  and we both laughed, but there was definitely some truth to that statement. I felt so much love for him at that moment!

When I analyzed WHY these two statements meant so much to me, I realized it’s because I have never felt so understood by another person as I did when he said them. I was tired – he told me to sleep. I wanted cookies – he made them. I didn’t want to go to the parades – he said we didn’t have to. And I didn’t have to ask for any of it! He just knew what I needed at the moment and gave it to me.

Now, of course things aren’t always perfect. Far from it. But these are some of the more perfect moments of the last few months, and I had to write them down, just so I’ll never forget them. ❤

Posted in Blog, Health, Life, Love, Mardi Gras, Marriage, Personal, Pregnancy, Pregnant, Relationships, Uncategorized | Tagged | 5 Comments

Week 33: Headaches and Heartburn and Hemorrhoids, Oh My

My 33rd week of pregnancy can be summed up in one photo:

prunes etc

Needless to say, it was NOT a good week! I was constipated, had the worst hemorrhoid ever (so bad that I barely moved for two days), had major heartburn and constant headaches, and on top of that, I was blessed with random bouts of nausea! Yay pregnancy!

I had another ultrasound on Wednesday…which was also kinda bad, now that I’m thinking about it. That ultrasound hurt like a bitch! The tech needed to see the baby “practicing it’s breathing,” but it wasn’t doing it, so she just kept poking and prodding the baby until it finally did it. But she just kept pushing and pushing, for like 10 minutes in the same spot! All that poking was extremely painful…but I do love seeing the baby, so I would do it again in a heartbeat. The baby was covering its face, so I didn’t get any cute pictures, which also sucked.

The baby is 4.75 pounds as of last Wednesday. 🙂

The week wasn’t all bad. My mom and her boyfriend were in town for a few days, which was really nice. And the Mardi Gras parades started up, and those are always fun. But between all the walking I did showing my family around town and all the standing and dancing I did at the parades, my body is SOOO sore! My “groin pull” or whatever is just as bad as it was three weeks ago, and on top of that my back is killing me too! (Although the back may be because me boobs are f*cking huge now.)

I remember reading in the beginning of my pregnancy that the third trimester of pregnancy is horrible…but I guess I just blocked it out or forgot about it. But as bad as it is now (and I know it’s just going to get worse in the next few weeks), the pain is kind of…meaningless. I guess because I know it’s temporary? I’m gonna have a baby in 43 days!


Posted in Blog, DIet, Exercise, Health, Life, Mardi Gras, Personal, Pregnancy, Pregnant, Uncategorized | Tagged , | 4 Comments

Week 32: Pregnancy Diet Starts Now! (No, this is not a joke)

32 weeks

I’m 32 weeks pregnant and have decided that now is the time for me to go on a diet. Why? The answer is simple…I’ve gained too much weight.

At the beginning of my pregnancy I adopted the attitude of: “This is the only time in my life where it will be acceptable for me to gain weight. So I’m going to eat what I want and not worry about the scale…after all, there’s not much difference between having to lose 25 pounds vs. 35 pounds after I have the baby.”

And now that I’ve gained 50 pounds and still have almost 8 weeks to go? I seriously regret that decision.

Truth be told, it’s not the number on the scale that bothers me. I mean, yes, when I weigh in at the doctor’s office and see the number, I want to throw up a little. I can’t believe how much I weigh! It’s crazy! (No, I’m not telling –  I won’t even tell David, although I’m sure he has some idea.) Sometimes I look in the mirror and I’m like, “Holy shit! I’m so big!” But I realize this is just temporary, and I’m not TOO worried about losing the weight after the baby is born. I’m giving myself 6-9 months. Besides, I’m having a baby!! I’m too happy and excited to let me appearance get me down (most days).

So what does bother me about the weight gain? Well, it’s my back…and my knees…and my hips, legs and pelvis. Basically everything below the waist. My sciatica has resurfaced after 15 years and has been kicking my ass on and off this whole pregnancy, especially in the past two months as my weight has skyrocketed. (If you’re lucky enough not to know, sciatica is this shooting pain that – for me – goes from the center of my buttcheek down my leg. It is f*cking debilitating.)

With nearly 8 weeks left of pregnancy, I could still gain another 20 pounds! In fact, this is the time when I’m supposed to gain the most weight! I simply cannot imagine how my body will feel with an additional 10-20 pounds.

So I asked my doctor about it, and he says that while I shouldn’t “diet” and try to actually lose weight, it’s fine for me to eat healthy and stay active and not gain any more weight during the rest of the pregnancy. I’m already at the high end of the pregnancy weight-gain spectrum, so as long as I eat healthy and the baby grows, everything will be fine even if my weight stays the same. But he also said that I should be prepared to gain more weight, and that he’s not worried about it, the pregnancy is going well.

So that’s where I’m at now. Since the New Year started I’ve tried to cut down on the unhealthy food that I have been stuffing my face with these past months – pasta, rice, chocolate, candy, bread, and soda. Soda! Until this pregnancy, I hadn’t drank soda for the past 10 years! On a positive note, during my pregnancy I did learn how to make the most AMAZING Alfredo sauce.

Exercise-wise, I’ve actually been going to the gym throughout the whole pregnancy…on the days when I have enough energy to go, that is. Sometimes I’ll be on the treadmill and I literally can’t walk faster than 2 mph, but I figure as long as I’m doing something, it’s good enough for now.

Like most people, I slacked off quite a bit during the holiday season, so after the New Year I picked it back up “hardcore.” At one point I made it to the gym five days in a row. On the fifth day I decided to do legs…and proceeded to pull a muscle in my groin/pelvis. I woke up the next morning like WTF?! I could barely move my right leg or lift it off the floor without feeling this intense pain where my leg meets my…vagina.

And now, two weeks later, it’s still nearly as bad as it was then. In the morning it’s painful but I can move. But sometimes, by the end of the day, it’s literally like I am dragging around a dead limb. Rolling over in bed was already a hassle, but now it actually hurts. It seemed to be getting better at one point, so on Thursday I went back to the gym, and BOOM, now it hurts all over again. And I didn’t even do anything! Just stretched and walked between 2 and 2.5 mph for a half hour.

So now I don’t know what to do as far as the gym goes! I want to stay active but this pain is ridiculous. Maybe I need to rest it a few more days? In any case, right now it’s more important than ever for me to watch what I’m eating.

Fortunately this will all be over shortly. 🙂

Posted in Blog, DIet, Dieting, Exercise, Fitness, Health, Life, Personal, Pregnancy, Pregnant, Uncategorized | Tagged , | 4 Comments

Week 31: So much to do, so little time!!

Since the new year started, I have slowly been entering into panic mode. I am due on March 16. That’s exactly two months from now, which is NOT a long time. And the reality is that I could pop at any time!!!

I’m not ready!

There were three “big” things I wanted to do before the baby came.

  1. Buy a house.
  2. Buy a new car.
  3. Go on vacation.

Guess how many I did. That’s right, none.

1. Buy a house or move

I resigned myself awhile back to the fact that we wouldn’t be able to buy a house before the baby came. I have a few loose ends in NY that I need to tie up before I put money into a house down here. Hopefully we’ll buy something towards the end of the year. We considered moving to a new apartment or renting a house (our current apartment is big but it’s kind of old and dingy), but decided that it didn’t make sense to move now if we’re planning to buy a house soon. Especially since we’re already in a three-bedroom apartment.

2. Buy a new car

Do I really need a new car? I’ve been wrestling with this question since long before I was pregnant. I’m currently driving an old car that occasionally has problems but gets me where I need to go…which at this point is hardly anywhere! I go to the gym, grocery shopping, Costco, and that’s about it. I think I drive that car maybe 5 miles a day…if I even leave the house! (Which I often don’t!) Once the baby is born I’m sure I’ll be using the car even less…so what’s the point in getting a new car and having to pay a car note and higher insurance? (Answer: there is no point.)

3.  Go on vacation

Sigh…this was a tough one. I REALLY wanted to go somewhere before the baby was born, but I couldn’t decide where. I don’t have a passport with my new last name, which limited our options. A beach vacation seemed like a waste of money – after all, it was in the 70s in New Orleans up until Christmas (and yesterday)! I ruled out any type of sightseeing trip – I get tired pretty easily these days, and walking can be a chore. No point in going somewhere and being miserable. And the fact that I can’t drink really puts a damper on ANY vacation I think about. Lay by the beach and drink margaritas? Nope, can’t do that. Sightseeing during the day and then have dinner and drinks? Can’t do that either. 

If only money wasn’t a consideration! But it is, and I just couldn’t justify us spending $2,000 on a vacation (or $20k on a car, or $200k+ on a house!) when there’s still so much to do and buy before the baby gets here. Not to mention all the crap we’ll have to buy when the baby arrives. Did you know that a baby goes through 12 diapers A DAY?!? Dafuq!!

So yeah, I’ve had to put my “dreams” aside for now so I can focus on things we need to do in the next few weeks, including:

  • Set up a nursery
  • Clean our bedroom from top to bottom
  • Buy new bedroom furniture and a bassinet
  • Order a breast pump
  • Sign up for a tour of the hospital
  • Pack a “go bag” for when I go into labor
  • Decide on my birth plan
  • Take cute pictures of my bump
  • Decide if I want to do a 3D ultrasound
  • Send thank you cards for my NY shower
  • Edit those f*cking wedding photos and make albums for our families
  • Come up with a post-baby diet
  • File income taxes

There’s so much to do! It’s kind of overwhelming, but this shit HAS to get done. It’s not all baby related, obviously, but once the baby comes I don’t want to have to stress over stupid things like taxes and wedding photos. So I need to get them done beforehand. And the sooner the better!

Posted in Blog, Life, Marriage, Personal, Pregnancy, Pregnant, Random, Uncategorized | Tagged , | 1 Comment

Happy New Year! And other stuff.

Happy new year everyone! It’s been too long since my last post, and I don’t even know why. I haven’t been busy or anything. I guess I just wasn’t really in a writing mood.

My New Year’s Eve was meh. Dave and I had originally planned to go down to the French Quarter and watch the fireworks at midnight. But we met up with his cousins in the Quarter during the day and spent several hours there, and then they came over for dinner. By the time 10 pm rolled around I was tired, nauseous and cranky. So I cut the night short, and then spent the next two hours feeling sorry for myself and second guessing my decision not to go out.

I was pissed because we didn’t have my stepson over that night, and I had really wanted to enjoy a child-free New Year’s Eve doing adult things, since next NYE we will have two children in the house with us. I had been saying that for over a month. So I was mad at Dave because he didn’t seem to care if we went out, even though it was important to me. Except that I didn’t even want to go out anymore! It was very frustrating. So I moped and pouted.

Then at 11:57 our new smart tv froze when I was switching from The Vikings to the local news so I could see the midnight countdown. I swear,  I nearly had a breakdown. I threw the remote and started crying. I unplugged the tv to restart it, then grabbed my phone and saw that it was already 11:59. No way the tv would be back up before midnight. “Well, happy fucking new year,” I said. “Not that you care.” (Can I please blame the pregnancy hormones?)

Thank God Dave is patient with me. He just said, “Put your shoes on.” I did, and I followed him outside and it was midnight and it turned out that I could see a shit ton of fireworks from the street! Fireworks aren’t illegal down here like they are in NY. I could see big fireworks every direction I looked, and some of them were really close, like half a block away! It was awesome. I hugged and kissed him and we stayed outside for a minute or two watching fireworks, and then we went back in and watched tv (we managed to squeeze in some adult activities that night after all – giggity giggity).

I only had two resolutions for 2016, and I’ve broken them both. :-\ The first was to work hard at not procrastinating so much, which, as you can tell by the fact that I’m posting a New Year’s post on JANUARY 6, has been a big fail. But the reason for the delay has to do with my second failed resolution…

My second resolution, which is kind of silly and random, was to stop taking so long to upload my pictures to Facebook. It took me over a year to upload my Europe trip pictures from a few years ago. For my Australia trip, I managed to upload all my pictures in just under a year. (Progress?) It’s been six months since the wedding and I still haven’t upload those pictures, and now on top of that I need to upload my pics from the baby shower in November.

The problem with the wedding photos is that there are SOOOO many pictures. The photographer gave me about 800 pictures, which I managed to narrow down to about 300 favorites – which is still too many to post to Facebook, but I also want to make an album and something for my parents and inlaws. So I decided to start editing them (they were pretty flawless, but I wanted to fix my flyways and some tan lines and little things like that). So I spent a good three weeks in December editing about 200 pictures.

And then I accidentally deleted them.

I don’t know how it happened! I guess I accidentally deleted the “Edited” folder…and then when I saw how full my recycle bin was, I emptied it without thinking! It’s even stupider because I SAW the photo files in there but I assumed they were duplicates…I should have checked! Why didn’t I check?! I didn’t realize what had happened until the morning of New Year’s Eve, when I was going to write a “Year in Review” post and I wanted to upload an edited pic. I quickly realized what had happened but there was nothing I could do at that moment since we were almost on our way out to meet his cousins.

So I’ve been staying away from the computer the past few days, until today that is, because I had to work. Tomorrow I will look into a file recovery software, maybe those pics can be salvaged. If not, I’ll have to start over. Oh well…

Anyway, happy new year! Here’s to 2016!

Posted in Blog, Life, Marriage, Nightlife, Personal, Pregnancy, Uncategorized | Tagged , | 2 Comments

Week 23: Sh*t Just Got Real! Plus, Upcoming Baby Shower!

Tomorrow I’m flying to NY..for my baby shower! (Oh, and Thanksgiving, but who cares about that? Baby shower!) I had to schedule it for November, even though I’m only 5.5 months pregnant, because I wanted it to be in NY, and at the time when I was discussing it with my mom, I was under the impression that you’re not supposed to fly once you reach seven months pregnant. (Turns out that’s not true.) Since we’re staying in New Orleans for Christmas this year (since we did NY last year), I decided it would make sense to have the baby shower the Sunday before Thanksgiving.

And now it’s almost here!

Honestly, I am just really f*cking excited to be going home. It’s only been six months since I was in NY for Mother’s Day, but it feels like it has been years. I don’t know why it feels that way, but it does. Maybe because sooooo much has happened since then.

Anyway, since I’m having the baby shower earlier than is customary, I also had to prepare a baby registry earlier than usual. Holy effing crap – what a process that was! So overwhelming! But I’ll talk about that in another post. Eventually I got it done, just in time for the invitations to go out.

Yesterday I received the baby’s first gifts – a bouncer and a pack-and-play from my “cousin” Judy! The bouncer came first, and I took a picture of it and sent it to Dave, since he was at work. Afterward I just stared at the box, and all of the sudden, things became really real. I was struck by the fact that in a few months, that bouncer would be out of the box and THERE WOULD BE A BABY IN IT. I mean, I know there’s a baby coming, I can feel it inside me, and of course I’ve imagined the baby once it’s born, but it was still very surreal to think of my baby sitting in the bouncer.


Posted in Blog, Health, Life, Personal, Pregnancy, Pregnant, Uncategorized | Tagged | 1 Comment

20 Weeks Down, 20 to Go! (and Finally a Baby Bump Pic!)

6 bumpies small

I finally made it to my halfway point! And more importantly, I finally look like I’m having a baby!

I feel like I JUST started showing, but in reality I’ve had some semblance of a bump since around week 14. The problem was that at various points during the day, that “bump” was hidden by my gut lol. I’d wake up with a bump, but it would disappear and reappear at various points throughout the day. It wasn’t until around week 17 that my bump was present at all times and I decided that I was finally starting to look pregnant.

I’ve been feeling the baby move since around week 17. Laying in bed with my hands pressed against my stomach is one of my new favorite things to do. Dave has only felt the baby once, though.

Last week’s ultrasound went really well. Baby is looking good according to the doctor. Right now he/she is measuring in at 13 ounces…I can’t remember if that was length or weight though! Lol. I have another appointment later today, so I’ll ask my doctor about it then. I think it was weight. Which would make the baby above average, which is 10.5 ounces at 20 weeks.

During the ultrasound I was surprisingly NOT tempted to find out the baby’s gender. The ultrasound tech would have us look away whenever she was in the crotch vicinity. When the doctor came in, the tech told her right away that we didn’t want to find out, so she also had us look away. She was going over all the baby’s body parts and and saying everything was normal, and when she got to the genitals she said “Well, since you don’t want to know if it’s a boy or a girl, all I’ll say is that the genitals look normal too!”

I got some really cute ultrasound pictures. I’ll upload them soon.

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, those baby bump pics were taken in the Planet Fitness gym, NOT in my bathroom! At least three of my friends were like “Is that your bathroom??” Haha, no, I wish.

Posted in Blog, Health, Life, Marriage, Personal, Pregnancy, Pregnant, Uncategorized | Tagged | 2 Comments

I decided not to find out the baby’s gender!

Today was supposed to be the big day. I’m nearly halfway through this pregnancy, and today is the day I COULD be finding out if the baby is a boy or a girl. But I’m not. Because I’ve decided to wait until the baby is born. This was a huge decision for me, one that I’ve been wrestling with for almost two months.

Before I got pregnant, I was NOT the type of person to say, “I wouldn’t want to know, I would wait.” I thought people who waited until the baby was born were a little crazy, to be honest. Knowing makes things so much easier! Of course I would respect their decision and NOT call them crazy, but it would always take me a little aback.

(Not that it happened all that often. The majority of people I know found out what they were having beforehand.)

Once I got pregnant, that feeling didn’t change. OF COURSE I’m going to find out what I’m having. Do you even know me??

It didn’t even change when Dave told me HE wanted to wait! With his first son they knew what they were having ahead of time, and he said he would like this one to be a surprise. He said things along the lines of “It’s one of the few real surprises we have left in life.” I wasn’t buying it. I mean, I understood his point, but I didn’t think it was any less of a surprise finding out in October versus March.

But Dave is a smart guy, so he followed his opinions with, “But it’s up to you. Whatever you decide is fine with me.”

Then a funny thing happened. People kept asking me if I was going to find out, and I would reply, “I want to, but Dave wants to wait. I guess I should at least CONSIDER his feelings before doing what I want.” (Haha.) Then I’d explain why he wanted to wait. I think me constantly repeating his reasons for waiting had some weird effect on me, because all of the sudden, I found that I was no longer 100% sure if I wanted to find out! Fortunately I still had a while to decide (until today!).

Another thing that made me question whether I should find out was the fact that I REALLY wanted a girl, and I was scared that I would be REALLY disappointed if it was a boy (which is what my gut is telling me it is). So I started thinking, “Well, I won’t have any time to be disappointed if I wait until the baby is born, because two seconds later my baby will be in my arms.”

All of these different thoughts eventually led me to the decision that we WILL NOT be finding out what we’re having until the baby is born. I told Dave the other night, and he got really happy, and I soon as I said the words, I got this really weird euphoric feeling. So I think I made the right choice!


(P.S. – I’m no longer at the point where I really want a girl. For about a week I really wanted a boy, and now I’m legitimately at the point where I will be happy no matter what I have. So that’s a big relief!)

Posted in Blog, Health, Life, Marriage, Personal, Pregnancy, Pregnant, Uncategorized | Tagged | 4 Comments

Pregnancy woes: Can’t Stop Won’t Stop! (Peeing, that is)

I am so freaking tired of having to pee. SO. FREAKING. TIRED. Since about the sixth week of pregnancy, I think I’ve peed about a million times. No exaggeration, there are days when I literally pee 20 times in one day! Five times in an hour! Sometimes I’ll pee, walk out of the bathroom, and walk straight back in and pee again!

And I’m not talking just a tinkle here and there. No, these are full-on peeing sessions. And I’m tired of it.

No, literally, I am so tired. The peeing doesn’t stop because it’s the middle of the night and I’m sleeping. Nope, not at all. On the nights when I’m not awoken by nausea, I still wake up every few hours to pee. I haven’t slept more than four hours in a row since August. AUGUST. Do you realize how long ago that was?

I know there are normal, biological reasons for this – I’m drinking a shit ton more water now, there’s an influx of hormones in my body (HCG – I thought you were my friend!), and my cervix is pressing against my bladder as the baby grows. But I also think this is Mother Nature’s way of preparing me for life post-baby, when I’ll have to wake up every few hours for feedings and whatnot. So I guess this is a good thing…?

And apparently it all gets worse once you hit the third trimester. Gee, can’t wait.

Posted in Blog, HCG, Health, Life, Pregnancy, Pregnant, Uncategorized | Tagged , | 7 Comments

Thank you, Saltines, for helping me survive this pregnancy!

I am eternally grateful for the existence of Saltines crackers. These things have given me life soooo many times over the course of this pregnancy.

When I was around 5 weeks pregnant and morning sickness was starting to kick in, my friend told me to keep crackers by my bed at all times. This advice has paid off in spades. I think I’ve gone through five big boxes of Saltines since July. That’s a lot of effin crackers.

I can’t complain too much about my morning sickness, because from what I’ve read of other pregnancy experiences, my first trimester could have been so much worse. I haven’t thrown up once, so apparently I’m #winning. That being said, “morning” sickness has been kicking my ass since the summer, and my only defense has been my Saltines crackers.

It took me a while to realize the full potential of my Saltines. It wasn’t until my fourth or fifth time waking up at 3 am completely nauseous that I had the thought, “Try eating crackers.” It was like a voice from above. I mean, who thinks to eat at 3 in the morning?? Granted, if I’ve just come home after a night of drinking, then yes, I’ll eat at 3 in the morning (or 4 or 5, whatever, just give me some pizza or ramen please). But to wake up sober in your bed and lay in the dark eating crackers while your husband sleeps next to you, blissfully unaware of how much you’re suffering? That was a bit outside of my realm of normalcy. 

But not anymore! Now it is completely normal for me to eat Saltines in bed in the dark. Before I go to bed I open the package a little so that the crinkling plastic doesn’t make too much noise and wake anyone up (it is SO LOUD!!). Yes, they get staler faster, but I go through them so fast that it barely makes a difference.

Sometimes I wish they were a *tiny* bit smaller. They’re too big to fit in my mouth whole, but as soon as you bite them you end up with crumbs! Which I obviously don’t want in my bed. So I have to put my hand over my mouth to keep the crumbs in while I break it into two or three pieces. I’ll roll the chewed-up cracker around my mouth for about 10 seconds, then swallow. I swear, I can feel it make its way down my esophagus into my stomach. It’s weird. Once it reaches my stomach, it’s like magic – I instantly feel a little bit better. I repeat the process 5 or more times (I always need at least 6 crackers), and the nausea goes away and I can get back to sleep.

After I pee, of course. But that’s another post for another day. This post is all about you, Saltines. Thank you. I couldn’t do it without you. 🙂

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